If I’m Being Honest….

If I’m being honest, I don’t know how I am going to do it. I have been struggling, since grad school started, with juggling the things currently on my plate. And I am about to add another big, time-consuming, brain-draining thing: clinical placements.

Today, I am having a day of complete overwhelm. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions, and my limbs might actually detach themselves from my body. I feel like I could explode into a million tiny pieces, each floating through the atmosphere holding the very anxiety that makes up my entire being.

I am trying. I am trying to put practices in place and utilize smart strategies, to achieve balance, to stay present in the moment I’m in, to let go of the perfectionism I have carried since birth.

But if I’m being honest, I have days I regret choosing this path. I wonder how in the world I can possibly keep walking it – for two more years. How much will I miss? How much will I have to let go? What are the consequences of my divided, broken attention?

Long-term, this, too, is for Kiran. And me. But right now, I fear I will miss so much. I fear I will not be able to be the mom I want to be for him. I know this, too, shall pass, and at the other end is hopefully a career that will fulfill me and allow me to be the mom I want to be for him. I also know that I have built a support system who love and support both Kiran and me, and they’ve got this. They do.

I’m just not sure I’ve got this.


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