I read a lot of things about the importance of not infantilizing our disabled children. I understand it. I also advocate for allowing them to enjoy what they enjoy while also exposing them to age-appropriate (whatever that means) items of enjoyment.

For instance, Kiran still loves watching Daniel Tiger and Sesame Street. He also enjoys animated, colorful, musical movies (and hey, so do I). But we also expose him to shows and movies that ten year old boys might enjoy, like superhero movies.

We are currently watching Bear in the Big Blue House on Disney +. He enjoys it, but honestly? It has become the show I put on at the end of a day when I just need something comforting. I especially love the end of every episode, when they recap their day and sing the song with Luna the Moon.

It’s okay if you don’t know what I mean. What I will say is simply this: I am a 42 year old grown woman, and this show, meant for toddlers and preschoolers, brings me joy and comfort at the end of a hard day.

This morning, I think the culmination of all of the emotions and trauma of the last several days came to a head for me, very unexpectedly I might add. Much like I always burst into tears AFTER I hear that the procedure went well (because, I must hold it together before and while serious things are happening), I think the panic and anxiety of everything finally came out today, after a bit of distance from it all.

Reflecting back on this morning, I am pretty sure I had a panic attack. This would mark only the third I’ve had in my lifetime. I was describing it while it was happening as trying to keep a panic attack at bay, but I think I was really just trying to breathe through an active one.

I don’t like how it makes me feel – weak and out-of-control – and to really put a cherry on top of the ridiculous sundae, it happened about fifteen minutes after watching a sermon about how God is with us through the storms in our life.

I share only because I think it’s important to share. This is the piece of life that can’t be wrapped up in a neat little bow, the shadows that don’t always come with a silver lining.

So, you know what? Kiran and I are watching our comfort show. And if it makes us feel calm, it IS age-appropriate.