I woke up this morning with very high anxiety. Some mornings are like that for me. Everything about the day ahead of me seemed like too much, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the day.
And then Kiran threw a wrench in all of it with a fever this morning.
I don’t know if my Mama Bear skills have just gotten that sharpened that my anxiety level can now predict illness, but we are going to go with that explanation for today.
I am not the mom who takes him to the doctor right away, on the first day a fever of 101 appears, if no other symptoms or circumstances exist. But:
1) We had a doctor appt set up for next week already to make sure we weren’t missing any medical reason for his new extra need for oral input (and the drool that goes with it).
2) His dad is going out of town tomorrow morning.
3) It’s almost the weekend, and we hate ending up in urgent care with doctors who don’t know him. If we can avoid that, we do.
4) The big one – the always one – He can’t tell us what’s going on. We don’t know what’s hurting.
It was enough reasons, today, to just go see the doctor. It wasn’t his regular pediatrician – she is on vacation all week – but we saw the other pediatrician in her clinic. Though he doesn’t know Kiran as well as Dr. J, he has seen him a handful of times now, and we like and trust him too.
We got what we often get with Kiran: No answers. I reminded myself the last time we got an answer, the answer was “pneumonia”, so I will take no answer over that….
But still. It is hard not knowing why. Still not knowing what hurts, though his throat looked red (His ONLY other symptom discovered). The assumption is it is something viral, and the fever shouldn’t last longer than Saturday. If it remains through Monday, he needs to be seen again. So we changed his Wed. appt with his pediatrician to Monday afternoon.
No concerns with the oral stuff. No real answers there either. We have only speculation, like we so often do with Kiran.
I have grown used to it, living inside the unknown, being Kiran’s mom. I am more comfortable inside the unknown than I ever thought would be possible for me.
And I continue to act on my instincts, even when I question them after the fact. I debated canceling a playdate this morning, and I debated taking Kiran to therapy this afternoon. I opted to cancel both, and by the time 12:30 rolled around, his 99.6 temp was up to 101, and he was looking pretty rough. I remind myself often to listen to my gut, and I am so thankful I can read Kiran as well as I can.
But oh, how I wish that little man could tell me how he’s feeling. If he’s cold or hot. If it’s his tummy that’s bothering him or his throat. If something in his mouth hurts or maybe he has a headache. It would be so much easier to help him feel better if I knew what was hurting.
So I do what all mamas do: my best. I snuggle him. We read. We watch Daniel Tiger. He naps more frequently. We alternate tylenol and ibuprofen. We see the doctor sometimes; we opt not to whenever possible. And I love him and care for him with all I am and all I have.
And my anxiety is a little better tonight. What I have is focused on the little boy who I hope wakes up feeling better. But I know I’ve got this.
And so does he. Toughest human I know.
We’ve got this.