The Reason

I wonder sometimes, if ever so briefly, why we do it all.

Why we travel four hours round trip to see every single specialist Kiran sees, especially when many of them are unable to coordinate. So, days like today, we make the four hour trip for one appointment.

And in less than two weeks, we will make another four hour trip, but this time we will see two specialists. But that’s another blog for another day – my mama heart can’t think about seeing the cardiologist after an entire year. Not today.

I wonder, too, why I have chosen to take on college classes, in the midst of a life I already find overwhelming most days. In the midst of a life I constantly feel like I am already not enough, as Kiran’s mom and primary caregiver.

The wonder is fleeting. All I have to do is look at this baby boy – turning big boy in the flash of an instant – and I have my answer.

Maybe my world shouldn’t revolve so much around him, but it does. I won’t apologize for it.

We drive four hours round trip because we are comfortable and confident with our medical team in Iowa City. Everyone living the medical life feels that way about their hospital of choice or primary care physician of choice. I respect everyone’s opinions on it – it is a highly personal decision, based on many factors.

For us, Iowa City is where Kiran belongs.

So we make the trip. Many, many times a year. We should have an apartment there, we are there so often. And we will keep making the trip.

And I am taking on school, now, because when I finish and achieve my goal years from now, I will be in a position to support us. I don’t mean just financially. I gave a lot of thought to the career I am pursuing, and it is one that supports our family on every level. The schedule will allow me to be present for my son and to continue to be his primary caregiver when he is not in school.

So I read my textbook in the car on the way to our appointment. I study when he naps and sometimes late into the night. I have regular respite care scheduled, so I know there are times I can focus solely on my role as student for chunks of time. And I will keep doing it.

For him.

When I conceived this little boy, my entire life changed. And it is no longer about me. It can’t be. I have never known another way of loving, and I have never loved like I love my son.

So we march on. One day at a time. It’s a long road ahead, but we journey together.

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