I want to take my son to the park. I want to sit on a park bench, iced coffee in hand. I want to watch him play.

And tonight, I sat with that for a moment. I sat with the grief, the sadness, the loss of “typical” motherhood.

If I took Kiran to the park and sat on a park bench with an iced coffee in hand, he would be sitting in his wheelchair next to me.

He requires help to play at the park. It’s hands on, pretty much 100% of the day.

Then I realized the truth I keep having to learn: I can’t do this alone. I need to ask for help. I need community.

Yes, I have amazing respite care providers, a nana and papa, a partner who would play with him. But also – also –

I have friends with kids. Kids that are old enough to help Kiran play with supervision, but not too old to play at the park.

So – who wants a playdate? I’m going to start reaching out about this. It is going to be very awkward and uncomfortable for me. But Kiran deserves to play at the park without it always being his mama helping. And I deserve to be able to sit back and enjoy watching him play.

Is our life always going to take creative solutions and extra steps and tiring logistical planning? Sure.

But is it possible? Will it be worth it? Always.