I’m supposed to be listening to the words of the song, but I am too distracted making sure he doesn’t feel left out because he’s sitting in his wheelchair while the rest of us stand. I try to focus my mind on the pastor’s message while keeping an eye on his communication device’s screen to ensure he doesn’t yell out today’s date at top volume in the middle of the Christmas Eve service.

I am painfully aware, in every moment, how much space we are taking up, in a crowded sanctuary. We managed to get a wheelchair space, but there are chairs set up right behind, and with his communication device and the push handle of his wheelchair, he’s long. His communication device is right behind the head of the man sitting in front of him, and his handle is definitely in the woman’s space behind him.

I try to quiet the never-ending commentary my anxiety gifts me by reminding my brain that he is allowed to take up space in this world. And I need to stop apologizing all the time for it.

I was awkward and clumsy, helping him back into his chair after the songs (Daddy Eric wanted him in our laps for a family photo and for some of the singing at the beginning of service). It took too many minutes for my heart rate to slow and my brain to stop perseverating over it.

I am allowed to take up space in the world, too.

You know how there is no manual out there for parenting?

I have no idea what I’m doing at least half the time. That’s probably a conservative estimate. And even though I doubt people are watching/judging as much as my anxiety imagines they are, we also absolutely do stick out in public.

Well, maybe. It’s amazing how many people seem to not see us as we are trying to navigate through a crowd.

I wanted so badly for it to be a peaceful Christmas Eve service, and instead, I was a stressed out, frustrated, tired mama throughout. Unsure of how to navigate it all, worried what others might think or feel about the space we were taking up, and overwhelmed by the crowded church.

I am thankful that I caught the part in the pastor’s message where he reminded us that we are welcome – and safe – in this church and with God – just as we are.