Quick, Random Thoughts

Blogs I’ve been meaning to write/random thoughts from an overwhelmed mom who is figuring out how to be more than just that:

I want the surgeon who makes us wait. This doesn’t negate the hard parts of waiting. But this means that the surgeon has their priorities straight and will take the time necessary when it’s my son in the operating room. I want that surgeon. I don’t understand people being upset in those situations. I will wait, because I know that I want you to be that thorough and conscientious with my sweet boy.

The never-ending nature of laundry is really getting to me these days.

I am about to embark on the biggest letting-go experience of my motherhood journey. I looked Eric right in his eyeballs today and said “I trust you. You are going to have to make decisions about Kiran on the days I’m in clinic, and I want you to know that I trust you to make the best decisions.” It’s true, but it doesn’t make it less hard.

This, too, shall pass. I know this is a season. Due to Eric’s current job opportunities and me starting clinicals, the next two months will be incredibly busy with not a lot of family togetherness. But it’s a step along the path that eventually will get us to a positive balance in life. I have to keep reminding myself that my ultimate goal in all of this hard is to have a career that allows me to be present in Kiran’s daily life. I may not be his primary caregiver every day along the way, but ultimately, it will allow me to be his primary caregiver long-term.

There is never NOT something on the horizon for Kiran. There is never NOT the next big decision, the next piece of adaptive equipment, the next diaper size, the next….there is always something looming. Something to research, phone calls to make, insurance to deal with. And none of it is ever straightforward or easy. Or cheap.

Imposter syndrome remains real and daunting. I am doing my best to quiet the negative voice in my head as I go into this week, but I consistently wonder if I really have what it takes to put knowledge into practice. There is a reason I didn’t go to grad school during the traditional timeframe, and I think it has a lot to do with fear of failure. You’d think, at damn near 40 years old, I would have grown out of this. I wonder when I will ever feel like I know what I’m doing.

Life continues to throw little curve balls our way, which feel unnaturally overwhelming due to everything else going on. I continue to laugh so I don’t cry … but let’s be honest, sometimes, I cry.

I am so thankful to be here. All of the hard and busy and overwhelming…I am still so thankful. I recognize how blessed I truly am to be in the position I am in. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Or at least it will be, if it doesn’t feel like it is in the present moment.

I feel like I’m going to miss Kiran a lot in the next couple of months. This also makes me determined to set boundaries and achieve whatever balance I am able to during this busy season. If I do it now, it will be easier over the next couple of years in the next clinical placements. Time with Kiran and with family/friends will be so valuable, and I have to work hard to carve it out.

I am not ready. But I am so ready.


All of Me

Go listen to this song: https://youtu.be/50ygAc2qP5A

The man who wrote and sings this song has a son with a congenital heart defect. It has brought me to tears, provided me comfort, and readjusted my heart numerous times on my journey with Kiran.

It is human nature to want to protect ourselves, and I have struggled on more than one occasion with attempting to build walls around my own heart, to practice avoidance, when big things are on the horizon.

Maybe because it has been years – literally since March of 2017 – since Kiran has had a surgery – Tuesday has really been affecting me. I’m emotionally flailing. I am practicing avoidance again, trying to barricade my heart.

But, what I want to be doing: “Let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed”

I know so many of you regularly lift our family up by praying for us, sending good vibes, and being in touch with encouragement…I ask for all of that over these next few days, and especially on Tuesday. Kiran is older now, so he doesn’t get the comfort of being first case anymore. We check in at 11 am, and he can’t have anything to eat past midnight (I do plan to wake him and give him a snack and some pedialyte prior to midnight – that’s a long time for a little dude!)

There are other factors at play this time, too, that increase my anxiety. And I ask that you include prayers and thoughts for respect and peace for everyone who will be present that day.

Kiran is a strong, brave little boy, and I have the utmost faith in his surgeon, in his history of textbook anesthesia experiences, and in his fighting spirit. Somehow, even with all of that, I am struggling.