Quick, Random Thoughts

Blogs I’ve been meaning to write/random thoughts from an overwhelmed mom who is figuring out how to be more than just that:

I want the surgeon who makes us wait. This doesn’t negate the hard parts of waiting. But this means that the surgeon has their priorities straight and will take the time necessary when it’s my son in the operating room. I want that surgeon. I don’t understand people being upset in those situations. I will wait, because I know that I want you to be that thorough and conscientious with my sweet boy.

The never-ending nature of laundry is really getting to me these days.

I am about to embark on the biggest letting-go experience of my motherhood journey. I looked Eric right in his eyeballs today and said “I trust you. You are going to have to make decisions about Kiran on the days I’m in clinic, and I want you to know that I trust you to make the best decisions.” It’s true, but it doesn’t make it less hard.

This, too, shall pass. I know this is a season. Due to Eric’s current job opportunities and me starting clinicals, the next two months will be incredibly busy with not a lot of family togetherness. But it’s a step along the path that eventually will get us to a positive balance in life. I have to keep reminding myself that my ultimate goal in all of this hard is to have a career that allows me to be present in Kiran’s daily life. I may not be his primary caregiver every day along the way, but ultimately, it will allow me to be his primary caregiver long-term.

There is never NOT something on the horizon for Kiran. There is never NOT the next big decision, the next piece of adaptive equipment, the next diaper size, the next….there is always something looming. Something to research, phone calls to make, insurance to deal with. And none of it is ever straightforward or easy. Or cheap.

Imposter syndrome remains real and daunting. I am doing my best to quiet the negative voice in my head as I go into this week, but I consistently wonder if I really have what it takes to put knowledge into practice. There is a reason I didn’t go to grad school during the traditional timeframe, and I think it has a lot to do with fear of failure. You’d think, at damn near 40 years old, I would have grown out of this. I wonder when I will ever feel like I know what I’m doing.

Life continues to throw little curve balls our way, which feel unnaturally overwhelming due to everything else going on. I continue to laugh so I don’t cry … but let’s be honest, sometimes, I cry.

I am so thankful to be here. All of the hard and busy and overwhelming…I am still so thankful. I recognize how blessed I truly am to be in the position I am in. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Or at least it will be, if it doesn’t feel like it is in the present moment.

I feel like I’m going to miss Kiran a lot in the next couple of months. This also makes me determined to set boundaries and achieve whatever balance I am able to during this busy season. If I do it now, it will be easier over the next couple of years in the next clinical placements. Time with Kiran and with family/friends will be so valuable, and I have to work hard to carve it out.

I am not ready. But I am so ready.


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