Three Years Old!

Happy Birthday, baby boy.  Yes, you are three, but you will always be my baby boy.

Three years ago today, at this very moment, I was in active labor and scared to death.  I was so scared to bring you into this world.  I knew you were safe in my body; I didn’t have that guarantee once you came out.  So many unknowns were swirling around in my brain.

And three years later, today, at this very moment, I am scared to death.  Because now, in two days’ time, I have to send you out into this world.  I know you are safe – as safe as you can possibly be – when you are in my care.  I can’t control your safety when you are not.

Being a mom is hard.  It is our job to protect and love and keep safe … and it is our job to know that we can only do that so much, for so long.

I can’t believe we are here.  I can’t believe you are three.  I can’t believe you are about to be a preschooler.  I can’t believe you are three feet tall and over thirty-two pounds.  I can’t believe you’ve had three surgeries and three caths and three gazillion doctors’ appointments.  I can’t believe how far you’ve come in your therapies and I can’t wait to see how far school takes you.

You are so good at giving hugs.  They are sweet sometimes, but you have also learned how to manipulate by using your hug power.  Oh, we are getting in the car seat?  I don’t want to; I’m going to hug mom really tight so maybe she won’t make me.  You are a charmer, and you know your own power.

You are getting so good at taking steps while being supported.  I am still in awe every single time, because it took us so long to get here.  I love how your knee-bending is still exaggerated and so purposeful.  I know how much harder your brain and body have to work to do this, so I am just amazed with every step.

You are playing with your voice, and I occasionally hear a word that sounds like “mom”.  You especially like to play with “mmmmmm” “aaaaaaaaa” “mmmmmmm” “aaaaaaaa” over and over again, so I know it’s only a matter of time before “mama” gets put together consistently.  You have started to get more frustrated with not being able to fully communicate, but it is never much of a guessing game to know your moods.  You emote well, little man, like me.

Everything about life with you is special.  It is always a lot, but you are so worth it.  I have so much joy, and my heart is full to bursting.  Being your mama is the most important and best thing I have ever been in my entire life.

You are my favorite human being.  You have my whole heart.  I love you more today than I did three years ago.  And I will love you more tomorrow than I do today.

Happy Birthday, Kiran, my ray of light.  You are truly my sunshine.

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