I am currently living with great fear.

As a mother, my instinct, even when Kiran was still growing inside of me, was to protect him. Due to his medical conditions at birth, I had to go to greater extents than most to make sure he stayed safe and healthy. He was born late October – peak flu season – and sent home with me as a newborn with a critical, unrepaired heart defect.

Despite my best efforts, he caught a cold – the common cold – at around two and a half months old. It required a week-long hospital stay, because he needed oxygen to make it through.

I know I can’t protect him from this virus indefinitely. I know, at some point, we have to re-enter society. It has never been my intention to keep Kiran inside a bubble – He and I have always chosen to get out in the world and live a full life, despite the obstacles.

Risk is a part of life. I get that.

I still feel, for my family, it’s too soon.

And I do worry that it will become harder to exercise my “freedom” to stay home. Now that Iowa is opening back up, I worry that some of the services businesses have provided that have allowed us to stay safely at home will no longer be offered.

I worry I will be required to make decisions before I am ready. And honestly, I have no idea how to even make these decisions.

I am keeping myself as informed as I can. None of this is political for me. This is about protecting my family, period.

This time has not been without sacrifices. I agree that this is not a sustainable way to live, long-term. At some point, I’d like to see my boyfriend again. But the time is not now. Not for us. So we will keep doing what we are doing. For now.

And we will take our own “phased-in approach” as we feel more comfortable doing so. Though I feel I will never be comfortable. My fear response right now is absolutely to keep Kiran in a bubble forever. To keep him safe.

I wanted that the last days of my pregnancy. He was safe inside me; he was getting what he needed. I couldn’t guarantee his safety outside the womb. But he had to have a life. And he will have to have a more full life than what we’ve been living these past 59 days.

It’s not time yet. Once it is, I’m going to struggle. But I’ll do it anyway.

It’s a long road ahead, but we journey together. This journey is not as straightforward as everyone seems to want to make it. There is no right answer right now. These decisions are HARD. I am paralyzed by them.

Today, I’m just gonna hang on tight. The time will be here soon enough when I have to let go.