Today marks 51 days since I have seen or spent time with my boyfriend in person. It seems quite a few people don’t understand exactly why we have made this decision. Or they offer helpful advice on ways we can safely spend time together – believe me, we have considered every single one.

The truth: It sucks. The truth: It’s an important, intentional decision. The truth: I have lived inside my brain for 36 years, and I know how it works.

My dad is an essential worker, so he still has to go to work. He is already a risk factor for our household. Because he is already out in the world, he is also our designated grocery getter; Mom is working from home and I am schooling/caregiving from home, so we haven’t been anywhere these 51 days.

Eric is also an essential worker, so he would bring extra risk where there is already risk. And, as callous as this may sound, it is unnecessary risk. I can’t mitigate the risk my father brings into the home, because Kiran and I are lucky to have had this home as our safe place these last three years. But I can choose to not add MORE risk by physically distancing myself and my son from Eric (and anyone else – it’s not like I’ve seen anyone these past 51 days).

It has proven to be a good decision. I won’t share more about that.

What I will say, about how my brain works, is this: In order to live with myself, I have to *know* that I have done everything in my power to keep my son safe and healthy. If he does contract this virus – and heaven forbid, the worst occurs – the only way I would be able to live with that is if I know I did everything I could to protect him. It’s the same reason we traveled all the way to California for his open heart surgery, to the most experienced surgeon, the one who created the surgery Kiran needed. If Kiran didn’t make it through open heart surgery there, I would have known, without a doubt, I did right by him, by taking him to the best. If Kiran doesn’t make it in this life, I have to know that it’s not because I was selfish and just had to see my boyfriend during a pandemic.

It’s not forever.

But for now, we make the hard, safe decision. And as the information shows us it is safe to do so, we will make a different decision. And Kiran and I will hug Eric for a really really really long time.