My heart feels vulnerable this week.

At preschool drop-off this morning, one of the first moms I met was brave enough to ask me what Kiran’s diagnosis is.  She asked if it was okay to ask, if it bothered me that she was asking – Oh, how it makes my heart happy when people ask questions!  I understand it takes courage – I do – I even struggle with being brave enough to ask others, and I know how much I want people to just ask questions if they want to know about Kiran.  I just wish it was easier to explain him, sometimes.

Hurry up, genetic test, and please give us a diagnosis.

I almost feel more overwhelmed by my to-do list now that I have free time to tackle it than I did when I didn’t.  I think it is because three years worth of stuff I put off is now making its way onto the list.  Suddenly, I have time to meet with my agent and up my life insurance coverage; I have time to take the cats to the vet for exams and shots; I have time to buy a new pair of jeans I am in desperate need of – Kiran being in preschool is also proving to be very expensive, because I have time to do these things.

I am nervous about filling out Kiran’s medicaid review correctly and had to call for some clarifications this morning.  I think I was supposed to let them know when the divorce happened – and although I did mention it when I made sure to change the address, no one steered me in that direction.  I have no one helping me with this stuff.  I feel like somehow we slipped through the cracks with this too – I have never had a social worker or anyone walking alongside me to make sure I do everything right.  Maybe, now that I have all this time, I should figure out how to make that happen.

I also continue to be baffled that every single person I talk to regarding this sounds … mean?  Exhausted, for sure, and I get that.  But… impatient and just all around not pleasant.  I hate making these phone calls for that reason.  I am now on a list to get a call back from a worker after Kiran’s case is reviewed so…. something to look forward to, I guess.

I’m going to give myself some props for tackling things this morning, though.  I have done what I need to today and all I can regarding Medicaid at this point.  Considering where my headspace is today, I call that a success.

Baby steps.  It’s what we do around here.