Kiran’s dresser got turned back over today.  So the diaper changing station is back on top.  I can’t remember when exactly we flipped it over in the first place, but we have been changing Kiran’s diapers on the floor practically his entire life.  And when I transitioned him into a toddler bed and made his room more big boy than baby, I set up a discreet diaper changing area, with everything he needed in a basket tucked under the table where all his special/superhero stuffed animals are kept in a line.

I hurt my back this week.  Well, I actually don’t even know exactly what happened, but I woke up with intense pain in my lower back on Monday morning.  By Wednesday, when it wasn’t any better and literally almost every motion hurt (and I have a high physical pain tolerance), I went to the doctor.

I hate everything about that last paragraph.  I hate going to the doctor, and I hate being a patient.  I hate having pain that makes me feel like I can’t do the things I need to do for Kiran.  My days involve a lot of lifting – Kiran is over 32 lbs, and I lift him multiple times a day.  I also lift a wheelchair in and out of my car several times a day.  When your lower back hurts, these tasks become considerably more difficult and a lot more painful.

I realized a lot this week about the importance of taking care of myself and working to prevent things like a hurt lower back.  I can’t afford to not be able to lift Kiran or his wheelchair.  I certainly can’t afford for something worse to happen than just pain for a few days.

So.  I am focusing even more on how I lift.  I always have focused on this, and I know the appropriate ways to do it, but the back pain certainly helped me really understand the right way (Hint: It’s the way that doesn’t hurt.)  And I am doing my best to get him up off the floor for diaper changes, thus the flipped dresser.  I don’t need to also be getting up and down off the floor, with his 32 lbs, multiple times a day.

I’m not as young as I used to be.

Also, it made me emotional today.  I didn’t expect that, but I started crying while changing his diaper this afternoon (It probably didn’t help the song Thy Will by Hilary Scott was playing at the time.)  I think, in some ways, NOT making these accommodations was my way of not completely accepting our reality.  I think I have always held onto this (super) temporary mindset.  And flipping the dresser, making a diaper changing station a focal point of his bedroom once again, is an acceptance that, though it may be temporary, this part of our reality isn’t changing anytime soon.  I honestly don’t even see it on the horizon.

But we are doing what we need to do.  I have to take care of my body so I am well enough to take care of his needs.  And right now, diapering is a need he continues to have.  And my back needs to not hurt, because me as mobility device and as lifter of his other mobility device are also needs he has at the moment.

Some days, some of these needs are just hard.