Day 23 – Fear

I have been posting on facebook every day this month about congenital heart defects in order to raise awareness.  This morning, when I came across the topic for today (on the list I am following; there are others), it stopped me in my tracks.  I decided it was time to write my fears out – the ones I have been attempting to avoid since we got Kiran’s eye surgery date.

Funny thing about fear is it is often illogical.  In my case, it is really not based on any sort of reality or evidence.  Kiran has always done extremely well with anesthesia.  He comes out of it fine and recovers quickly.  He came out of the OR extubated after both cardiac caths and after his g-tube surgery.  He is a rockstar.  And this was all BEFORE his unifocalization and repair.

But for some reason, every time I think about this upcoming surgery (March 22, one month from yesterday), I feel the fear squeezing my chest.  I want to burst into tears.

It is amazing how often I feel like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum inside.  I want to stomp up and down and scream “I. Don’t. Want. To!”

I don’t.  I don’t want to.  I don’t want him to go under.  I don’t want to hand him off to a surgeon.  I don’t want to have to wring my hands and wait in a stupid hospital waiting room.

It’s a simple eye surgery.  Our cardiologist even signed off on the team using an experienced pediatric anesthesiologist (though the cardiac anesthesiology care team does know about the procedure and will be on hand if needed).  Even that makes me nervous.  And yes – I questioned it and advocated and got the answers to my questions and ultimately am sorta maybe kinda okay with it….

But they expect it to be an outpatient procedure.  No one anticipates any complications.  Kiran’s heart functions very close to normal – many people who now listen to his heart even say they would have no idea of his history by listening to it. (Well, if it wasn’t for that giant scar on his chest)

The entire reality points to everything going smoothly and being just fine.

And my mom brain just keeps thinking – We’ve come so far.  He has rocked recovery so many times.  He survived ten months of life on a heart that wasn’t working at full capacity.  He survived a day-long extensive open heart surgery.  He’s my fighter.  What if…..?  What if, after all of this, a simple eye surgery is what takes him down?  What if, after everything we have fought for and been through…. what if I lose him after all?

Over something so simple.  So silly.

No facts point to this.  Everything points to my son being amazing and doing what he always does.  He’s healthier and more stable now than he has been his entire life.

But I can’t shake the fear.

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