When I find myself in the trenches – deep into things – I am able to roll up my sleeves and do what needs doing.  I have seemingly endless pockets of strength and bravery and resilience.  I fight and fight and fight.

When I am finally outside of the trenches – when I have caught a cool breeze – experienced a more calm period in life – and I realize I may have to get back in those trenches….

That’s when the anxiety takes hold.

This isn’t new news about who I am.  My anxiety has always manifested itself in this way.  After a break from college, thinking about going back would cause me anxiety…even when I had found my people and my niche, even when I enjoyed school immensely and knew I’d be okay.  Now, with my new business, the Pickle Shack … before every single event, I experience anxiety.  I am unsure if I will be able to handle the hustle and bustle of the day.  But once I’m in it – I rock it – and I gain confidence as the moments pass and I am able to handle them.

In so many ways, being in the trenches with Kiran’s medical needs was easier on me than the period we are in now.  This feels like such a bizarre period of limbo.  And we have had so many slower weeks – fewer medical appointments, time to just be a family….

Tomorrow is a big appointment day.  I can’t believe three months have already passed, and it is time to see cardiology again.  I am hopeful we can manage to keep Kiran still for his echo so we are able to get a good look at that heart of his.  I feel everything will look good, but I still have great anxiety it may not.

We will be meeting with a new GI doctor and a new nutritionist.  I am hopeful we will feel comfortable and confident with their knowledge – I am hopeful they will feel like a better fit to our medical team.

I have to gear up to be “that” mom – find my strength again to advocate, find my brain again to ask all the questions.  It’s been awhile since we’ve had these kinds of medical appointments.  That paired with finally starting feeding therapy on Thursday – this feels like a monumental week.

I honestly don’t feel ready for it.