One thing I really miss about my former self is being organized.
Well, that’s not really a fair statement. I miss being organized in every facet of my life.
Just the other day, I emptied out a paper bag that came home with Kiran on his last day of kindergarten. He is halfway through his first grade year. That paper bag has been sitting in the same spot in the office since it came home. I told myself I’d deal with it after we took a break, after I got home from my first week of grad school on campus, after I got through my summer class, after I got him back at school….
And honestly, the keepsake stuff just got shoved in another pile in the office, and the bubbles and sidewalk chalk got stowed in the entry closet to use this coming spring/summer.
I feel like I am constantly looking at piles. And though I don’t enjoy it – and sometimes it really wears on my mental health until I just shut the door and walk away – I often don’t have the energy to tackle it or change it. And when I do, I feel like it lasts for a half a day, and then there’s more.
I was thinking about how good it felt to finally take care of that bag from kindergarten, and I started a negative mental spiral, berating myself in my head. Why did it take so long? It was such a little thing – that took what? five minutes? – why do you always put this stuff off?
And then I remembered: I haven’t missed or even been late to a single appointment of Kiran’s; I don’t miss the deadlines on all his paperwork for insurance, school, camps; I always put in his monthly medical supply order; although not everything is organized, I know exactly where to find all his medical information and previous difficult-to-fill-out-forms so I don’t have to start from scratch every time.
I get my school work done on time. For the most part, I am able to keep our house functional and somewhat clean (dusty walls be damned).
I am trying to write through this stuff because I am trying to realize it about myself. It’s not that I’m lazy or unorganized – It’s that there is so much more to juggle and keep track of now than there has been in my life previously.
It comes back to priorities – so much in this life I’m striving to be intentional in living does. I still want to tackle some of these piles this month, when I have extra time and (I’m hoping, at some point) extra capacity to do so. I’m learning to ask for help more, though I still have a long way to go with this skill.
Though I don’t make resolutions, I do want to actively work toward being kinder to myself, even in my own mind. Grace is so easily extended to others, but I am quick to think the absolute worst about myself. So I’m trying to dismantle the lie that I *should* be able to handle all of this myself. I am going to recognize and acknowledge that this is hard. And I’m going to keep writing about it, in hopes that maybe some of it will resonate with others along the way.