IN the Dim

I am rather anxious and weepy today. These are not novel ways of being, for me, but it has been a bit since I have experienced them this strongly.

I got really comfortable with hearing “Kiran’s heart is stable; see you next year.”

And now I’m gearing up to leave at 4:15 am tomorrow morning for an early check-in time so Kiran can have an MRI of his heart.

No history exists that should make me anxious about Kiran undergoing anesthesia, but I still know there are risks every single time. I can only hope that everything is by the book once again, and he does just fine with the whole experience.

I don’t know that we will know anything about his heart tomorrow – we may even have to wait for answers until we see Dr. R. in September. I have found that the more time passes, the more comfortable I get in living inside the unknown, waiting for answers or the next step.

All day today, I have just been focusing on getting ready for tomorrow, in all ways. I took the time early in the day to organize the diaper bag, make sure the van had extra necessities, and think through the food and liquid protocol for the day. I have taken many coloring breaks today, as I am realizing how I can make the adult coloring book experience calming for myself rather than stressful (It’s odd how much pressure I put on myself that can make these things meant for decompression into exactly the opposite).

And now, I am writing. It is another tool that I know I have that calms me. Releases the thoughts and emotions to an extent and lessens their power inside me.

My baby’s heart. The very first diagnosis we got; the thing that upended my world. It has been so long (until recent cardiology appts) since I have had to worry about his heart, and it was such a nice reprieve. For whatever reason – with all the diagnoses added since his heart repair, with the life we have been living alongside one another – nothing causes my heart worry like his heart.

Lord, protect his heart … and my own.

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