A random word generator gave me my word for 2022: Authentic. I like it. I specifically like this particular definition: true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.
I don’t write as much when I feel I cannot be my full, true, authentic self. A personal circumstance over the course of the last year and a half has limited my ability to do so, which is why the blog has been sparse.
I don’t like that I haven’t been writing, but I dislike far more passionately feeling like I have to censor myself.
This is the first day of 2022. I no longer put any weight on the whole concept that a new year will bring new circumstances – same stuff, different day. And yet, 2022 holds the potential for some pretty big things.
Grad school may or may not begin for me this summer. Kiran’s heart may need an intervention this year. And then there is that other large personal circumstance I cannot share, that I would absolutely love many, many prayers for, especially in May.
I want to take a moment today, to just remind myself and anyone reading this: We are still here. Look at ALLLLLL the hard the past two years have brought, and we are still standing. Beaten, worn, perhaps forever changed – many of us, myself included, have experienced unexpected loss, perhaps related to the ongoing pandemic and perhaps not. Relationships have been challenged, broken – oof. I mean, it has been rough.
I want to spin positivity, but the truth is – I’m not convinced I am better for it. The experiences of these past two years haven’t necessarily all shaped me into a better person. I’m grappling with a lot of darkness in my heart. But I haven’t lost sight of my priorities – my son, my family, beloved friends – my desire to bring more love and good into the world than anything else.
I think my point is simply this: It is okay that we are just here, trying our damnedest to be the best people we can be in this impossible life we are living. And just a reminder that others don’t have to always understand – and that sometimes people aren’t meant to be ours for the duration.
In the meantime, the people who are walking with us – man, this life is precious. I always say “It’s a long road ahead, but we journey together” in order to capture the daunting nature the road I’m traveling often has. But I could just as easily say it’s a short road that could come to an end at any time. So the one thing about me that I hope never changes is this: I am going to love with everything I have.
Here’s to the darkness not winning. Happy 2022.