Building Anxiety

Cardiology appointments have been a reality Kiran’s entire life, and they will be a reality for the rest of his life. As a minimum, he will see his cardiologist with the same frequency we (should) see our primary care providers – once a year.

That “year card”, you might remember, is a big deal in the heart world. It means his heart has shown stability for long enough that we get to go to that minimum.

Today is his appointment. It has been a year since his heart has been looked at. And I woke up and now can’t sleep.

I look forward to today, because I get to spend quality time with him, even if it is at back-to-back appointments (We also meet his new endocrinologist today). But no part of me looks forward to what will be hard.

He has shown a greater increase in his own anxiety during certain medical and therapy appts. He is so much more aware of what is happening and so much more willing to protest – all things I love seeing but it adds challenge and heartbreak to days like today.

And unless we get to hear “Everything looks great; see you next year”, I am not looking forward to any news. I don’t want any news. I don’t think I have it in me to face anything heart-related yet.

Of course, I don’t want to face anything heart-related ever again, but I know it will come at some point.

Our mantra is familiar to him now – I whisper it in his ear frequently enough. It may seem silly to some that I repeat it so often, but I really have found it to be beneficial in keeping my head – and heart – where it needs to be.

It’s a long road ahead, but we journey together.

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