Heart Month – Day 20 – Fear

When I saw the topic for today, my brain immediately started singing this song by Blue October:

“‘Cause fear in itself
Will reel you in and spit you out
Over and over again
Believe in yourself
And you will walk
Now, fear in itself
Will use you up and break you down
Like you were never enough
Yeah, I used to fall, now I get back up”
It is so easy – so incredibly easy – to let fear swallow you whole.  The unknowns are the worst – the day Kiran was born, when we first brought him home from the hospital, our first emergency room visit, open heart surgery day, his MRI….
Getting the wheelchair, I feared how we would navigate the world.  Going into preschool, I feared he wouldn’t make any friends.
Fear knocks me down, knocks the wind out of me, constantly.  Even this illness he is still battling – that poor little cough of his – fear.  But the fear keeps me vigilant.  Checking his temperature, checking for retractions, checking for any signs or clues that things could be taking a turn for the worse.  Fear keeps me a fighter for him – fearing for his safety early on in the school year, we successfully advocated and got changes made to the school parking lot drop off process.
It has its place.  But the trick is the balance.  I can’t let it keep me down; I have to keep getting back up.

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