April 10, 2016. If you haven’t been reading this blog from the beginning of Kiran’s story, I want you to find that blog entry in the archives and read it first.
I went to a concert tonight. For King and Country. But I didn’t go for them. I’ll be honest – I wasn’t even sure I liked them or knew any songs by them. This is how much I don’t pay attention to who sings the songs I hear all the time on the radio (because turns out, I knew several of their songs). I had no idea I would love their show so much – I mean, the musicality – all the instruments! – a trombone and a violin on the same stage – They put on a good show, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
But I went tonight for one song. I went tonight to hear Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. As soon as I heard he was going to be at this concert, I told my boyfriend we had to go. I’m not even really a big concert goer. But this song… It’s MY song. I still can’t listen to it without tearing up. And it was so cool – and so worth it – to experience it live.
In April of 2016, I found myself in a really dark place. My life had changed completely and was very different from any life I had ever imagined. I had an infant with a serious unrepaired heart condition, a feeding tube, a brace he wore most of the day. It had become old hat to visit the ER with him. We were approaching open heart surgery – a huge trip to California for the best surgeon for his heart – and the unknowns were eating away at me. I was coming out of the fog of the newborn stage and coming to the realization that I (for the second time, mind you, some of you may not know) was in a very unhealthy marriage. I had no idea what to do or where to turn, and suddenly I was considering going to CHURCH.
For so long, the fact I had made a conscious decision to walk away from my faith was a huge part of what defined me as a person. I was a skeptic; I hated the hypocrisy of the institution of religion – I still struggle sometimes with these things. I struggle with being vocal about where I am with my faith now.
It’s more real than any faith I may have had growing up, but it’s not very easy to explain. I’m not here to explain it, though.
I am here to talk about this line from the song: “There’s no shadow You won’t light up;
Mountain You won’t climb up; Coming after me; There’s no wall You won’t kick down;
Lie You won’t tear down; Coming after me”
It is the line that always makes me cry. And sometimes, it makes me go “Really, God? Did it really take ALL OF THE THINGS to get to me?”
Obviously, it did. And I truly feel like, through it all, He never gave up on me. Even as I write this out, it all sounds silly to me. But I feel it, I believe it, I cry every single time. It is through music that I commune with God, and this song. This song.
“Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine”