Lately, I seem to be struggling with cohesion. I feel like I have two lives – two selves – the one when Kiran is with me, and the one when Kiran is not with me. I am a certain person – Kiran’s Mom – during the times Kiran is with me at home. And I still struggle to figure out who I am during the times he is not.
I have done a good job of avoidance during the times he is not with me. I don’t spend a lot of time at home, for instance. I go out with friends, I busy myself with errands or blending food, I have catering events, I lose myself in a tv show or a book….
What I don’t do a good job of is sitting in the space-with-the-Kiran-sized-hole and figuring out who this Holly is.
The changes in our family structure have largely been for the best. But this is the part I struggle with the most. This was not the family I dreamed I would one day have – a failed marriage, sharing time with our son apart – but it is the one that became necessary for my well-being. And therefore, his. I know the two go hand-in-hand.
So here we are. This is the life we have been living for the past year and four months. Things have largely settled into a rhythm and rapport that works for us – that, most importantly, seems to be working well for Kiran. I am thankful we are through what should be the most difficult, ugliest part.
But I still can’t figure out how to be a cohesive Holly in this life. And that is really starting to bother me.