Lately, I seem to be struggling with cohesion.  I feel like I have two lives – two selves – the one when Kiran is with me, and the one when Kiran is not with me.  I am a certain person – Kiran’s Mom – during the times Kiran is with me at home.  And I still struggle to figure out who I am during the times he is not.

I have done a good job of avoidance during the times he is not with me.  I don’t spend a lot of time at home, for instance.  I go out with friends, I busy myself with errands or blending food, I have catering events, I lose myself in a tv show or a book….

What I don’t do a good job of is sitting in the space-with-the-Kiran-sized-hole and figuring out who this Holly is.

The changes in our family structure have largely been for the best.  But this is the part I struggle with the most.  This was not the family I dreamed I would one day have – a failed marriage, sharing time with our son apart – but it is the one that became necessary for my well-being.  And therefore, his.  I know the two go hand-in-hand.

So here we are.  This is the life we have been living for the past year and four months.  Things have largely settled into a rhythm and rapport that works for us – that, most importantly, seems to be working well for Kiran.  I am thankful we are through what should be the most difficult, ugliest part.

But I still can’t figure out how to be a cohesive Holly in this life.  And that is really starting to bother me.