Guilty Breaks

I took time for me today.  Something I have realized just recently – in the past two days, even – is that I have put all kinds of parameters on myself on when I can use respite care for Kiran.  I keep enforcing all these self-imposed rules, fueled by guilt and outside pressure, and none of it makes any sense.

Today was so important.  It showed me why I should take advantage of the fact I finally have the opportunity for respite care – and why it’s important to not act on my feelings of guilt for taking time.

Here’s what I learned today.  Well, first, here is what today looked like:

8 am – Kiran was dropped off from his overnight with his dad.  We had a nice cuddly conversation, and he had some time in his stander to encourage bowel movements (I’ll likely blog about poop at some point soon; it seems it takes over my mind more days than I’d like).

9 am – We got loaded up and headed to the library for story time!  A friend was able to join last minute, and we had such a fun time together.  He really likes listening to the stories and watching all the kids.  Our one friend from last week approached again and waited to talk with Kiran.  We learned her name and age and had a nice little chat with her.  Heart-warming.

10:30 am – Shortly after getting home after story time, our respite provider (also a family friend) arrived.  We got to all have a nice chat (Believe me, Kiran was putting in his very loud two cents) for the first 20 minutes or so of her time.

11:15 am – I met a friend – another heart mom – out for lunch.  We got to chat for a little over an hour about life and hardships and joy and just everything.  It was really nice.  Good food, good conversation – I rarely get to do this without my attention being totally focused on Kiran.

12:30 pm – Went to the mall and braved Claire’s for an important birthday party coming up – I bet I will blog about that Sunday so stay tuned!

1:15 pm – Stopped at the library, sat on a bench overlooking the pond, and read my book for a blissful twenty minutes.

2:00 pm – Got home, loaded up car and diaper bag for therapy appt, finished chapter in my book.

2:30 pm – Said goodbye to respite provider, got Kiran ready for therapy, headed out.

3:00 pm – Therapy.

4:00 pm – Dad took Kiran home for his overnight after therapy.

Today, I got to enjoy time with Kiran.  I got to take a break from some of the mundane of the every day.  Kiran got time with one of his favorite people, and really, I didn’t even miss much.  He napped from 12-2, and I wasn’t stuck at the house doing chores during it.  It was so nice to have that kind of day, both with my son and out and about on my own.

Also, therapy made me realize why I needed that break.  Right now, it’s all just really overwhelming.  All of Kiran’s early access therapy appointments are around assessing and preparing for the upcoming preschool transition.  They are all emotional and overwhelming and just hard.  I am still coming down off a massive brain rollercoaster, and it’s been 40 minutes since therapy ended.

That is why I need days like today.  That is why I have to stop acting out of guilt or shame or societal expectations or outside pressures and start acting out of what I know I need to be okay.  If I’m okay, Kiran is more okay.

I know it.  I’m trying to act on it more consistently.

Today, I learned something about myself, about life, and about being okay.  Tonight, I am working toward pushing all thoughts of therapy and preschool aside, and I am going to try to continue to take a break.

Self-care.  I’m a stubborn (slow) learner.


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