I have been processing through something a lot in the last couple of weeks. As I pondered what to do with Kiran’s baby stuff and outgrown clothing (do I pack it up to store, do I hand it down to someone who will save it and give it back, do I simply donate it), I was forced to examine this feeling I have had for some time now – one I never thought I would have.
Kiran is it for me.
Granted, I completely understand I may change my mind about this. I completely understand I am not the sole decision maker in this (I suppose my husband has some say….) I know that as the daily overwhelm becomes less, and Kiran’s needs become more manageable (or at least more “normal” for me, old hat let’s say….), I may find myself wanting to grow our family.
Honestly? I just don’t see it.
Do all moms feel this way about their firstborn? I don’t know the answer to that. Would I feel this way if Kiran was healthy? I will never know that either. I always thought I wanted multiple children, two at the very least. But our family just feels … complete.
There are many, many logical reasons to not have more children. But ultimately, for me, it comes down to this:
I am Kiran’s mom. I just don’t feel like I’m anybody else’s mom. I have examined this feeling a billion times over in the past several months. Even if we were to lose him (I cannot ever shake this thought, it is always somewhere in my mind, nagging me), I don’t think I would have another child. I’m just not anybody else’s mom.
I’m Kiran’s mom.
One thought on “Kiran’s Mom”
I felt the same way after my first one was born. I have had several miscarriages and for awhile I thought Tad was it for us. Then, when I did get pregnant with my second one, I wondered just How I was going to love this one as much as I loved Tad. What I found after Doug was born was that love multiplies … I don’t love any of my 4 boys the same, but I love them all with all my heart. Each one has different needs and my one on the autism spectrum will always have a special place in my heart because of his special needs.
I saved some of my favorite outfits to hand down to my next child, as well as the big stuff. The rest I let go. I always say .. if there is any doubt, wait it out. Once doubt is dissolved, problem solved.