I have been processing through something a lot in the last couple of weeks. As I pondered what to do with Kiran’s baby stuff and outgrown clothing (do I pack it up to store, do I hand it down to someone who will save it and give it back, do I simply donate it), I was forced to examine this feeling I have had for some time now – one I never thought I would have.
Kiran is it for me.
Granted, I completely understand I may change my mind about this. I completely understand I am not the sole decision maker in this (I suppose my husband has some say….) I know that as the daily overwhelm becomes less, and Kiran’s needs become more manageable (or at least more “normal” for me, old hat let’s say….), I may find myself wanting to grow our family.
Honestly? I just don’t see it.
Do all moms feel this way about their firstborn? I don’t know the answer to that. Would I feel this way if Kiran was healthy? I will never know that either. I always thought I wanted multiple children, two at the very least. But our family just feels … complete.
There are many, many logical reasons to not have more children. But ultimately, for me, it comes down to this:
I am Kiran’s mom. I just don’t feel like I’m anybody else’s mom. I have examined this feeling a billion times over in the past several months. Even if we were to lose him (I cannot ever shake this thought, it is always somewhere in my mind, nagging me), I don’t think I would have another child. I’m just not anybody else’s mom.
I’m Kiran’s mom.