I have been processing through something a lot in the last couple of weeks.  As I pondered what to do with Kiran’s baby stuff and outgrown clothing (do I pack it up to store, do I hand it down to someone who will save it and give it back, do I simply donate it), I was forced to examine this feeling I have had for some time now – one I never thought I would have.

Kiran is it for me.

Granted, I completely understand I may change my mind about this.  I completely understand I am not the sole decision maker in this (I suppose my husband has some say….)  I know that as the daily overwhelm becomes less, and Kiran’s needs become more manageable (or at least more “normal” for me, old hat let’s say….), I may find myself wanting to grow our family.

Honestly? I just don’t see it.

Do all moms feel this way about their firstborn?  I don’t know the answer to that.  Would I feel this way if Kiran was healthy?  I will never know that either.  I always thought I wanted multiple children, two at the very least.  But our family just feels … complete.

There are many, many logical reasons to not have more children.  But ultimately, for me, it comes down to this:

I am Kiran’s mom.  I just don’t feel like I’m anybody else’s mom.  I have examined this feeling a billion times over in the past several months.  Even if we were to lose him (I cannot ever shake this thought, it is always somewhere in my mind, nagging me), I don’t think I would have another child.  I’m just not anybody else’s mom.

I’m Kiran’s mom.