Static

Static: lacking in movement, action, or change, especially in a way viewed as undesirable or uninteresting.

Being stuck in a state of limbo has been a consistent theme in my life.  I always have to write about it.  If I were to look back on the many diaries, journals, and blogs I have written in, I am sure I would find at least one entry/post about limbo.

I hate being static.  I hate waiting.  I am the most impatient person on the planet.

We have 27 days until surgery.  The paradox I am stuck in is I want time to   s l o w    d o w n while simultaneously wanting surgery day to be here already.  My brain knows from the experiences I’ve had in the last year that, though surgery day will probably bring about the most significant changes thus far, it may not bring about the changes – or the answers – or the life – I desire.

I always get so impatient and so anxious because I feel like this next appointment or the g-tube placement or finally getting a surgery date will somehow make this whole “life with CHD” thing better….

I don’t want to get stuck thinking this surgery will be the cure-all.  I know CHD is a lifelong condition, and I know Kiran will never be cured or fixed or healed.  And we don’t even know if they will be able to do the repair on his heart until they are in there doing the surgery.  If they only address the MAPCAs and are unable to repair his heart, I have been told we may not see a significant change in Kiran’s energy level.  It is heartbreaking to think about.

How do I stay optimistic but protect myself from great disappointment?  How do I live inside this moment I have with him while impatiently waiting for our trip to California?

Life just feels put on hold, and it’s hard to make it feel any other way.  27 days will go by in a flash – and yet surgery feels like an eternity away.

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