My dad is driving Kiran and me to Iowa City for his second round of legs casts. Things are feeling a lot more calm today than last week.
It’s comical now (kinda), but about an hour into our drive to Iowa City last week (this was with my hubby), I realized I had left the bottles I had carefully prepared for the day…in the fridge at home. (Bad Mom! I need sleep….). I could not shake the feelings of guilt and panic until we stopped at hyvee and bought bottles and formula – and until I was able to find a pump and feed him. Despite the grace I would provide anyone else in this situation, I am still not able to provide myself with it. I think about it now and still feel like a failure.
In my brain, I get it. I was tired, I had a lot to remember, it was our maiden voyage with him to Iowa City for appointments since being discharged after birth…. But a mama’s heart carries a lot of expectation and guilt (and this mama has always been that way anyway).
Speaking of feeding my baby, it feels like my days revolve around just that. If I am not physically giving him a bottle, I am pumping to make milk for him or changing a diaper because he’s been fed. It is all about food nowadays at my house. It can get overwhelming – especially the constant pumping – but I am determined to stick with it as long as physically possible. One year feels like a lofty goal now, but I hope to at least make it to the six month mark. Trying to set my expectations so I don’t feel like a failure later on….
Also speaking of feeding, we seem to have had a breakthrough! Kiran decided to start consistently taking his bottles by mouth. The last time we used the NG tube was Friday at his 9 pm feeding. On Sunday night, he managed to pull his tube out, so we left it out. So far, so good. He continues to take plenty by mouth and even seems more hungry now that the tube is gone. We have to see if he is able to keep gaining weight this way, because it takes a lot of energy to eat…but it’s certainly a nice break right now. So nice to be able to follow his cues more and see him more hungry and happy.
My hungry, happy hunk: