I only shower every other day now.

As a nanny, I used to be incredibly organized.  I had a bit of an attitude and didn’t understand how parents could stand their house being unorganized and messy.  Yes, you can laugh now.  Things you don’t realize until you are a mom.  Especially a mom who has to adhere to a strict every-three-hour feeding schedule and is exclusively pumping because we are closely monitoring the baby’s intake.  The mess and chaos drives me batty; but when it comes down to it, when faced with the choice of dishes or cuddle time with baby, guess what I will pick every single time.

At three am, when the alarm goes off and I have to wake my sleeping baby boy to eat his bottle, I find myself thinking that if he were just a “normal, healthy” baby:

• I could get more than a couple hours sleep at a time, because he could eat on his schedule instead of the cardiologists’ schedule.
• I wouldn’t have to spend so much time pumping and cleaning bottles, because he could feed directly from the source.
• Diaper changes wouldn’t be such a dance, because I wouldn’t have to be so concerned with keeping his casts clean and cry (Oh yeah – he has full leg casts now, due to his flat feet.  He will be wearing them for the next 4-5 weeks, with weekly changes, and then he will have a brace until he is walking independently.)
• I would feel much more confident in my abilities and wouldn’t always be worrying/second guessing myself/feeling guilty for not doing a better job.

And then I have to quiet my brain.  Because if I had that elusive, “easier” child … I wouldn’t have my Kiran.  I wouldn’t have this amazing, tough little guy who surprised us all by being sent home a week into his life.  The dude who has been able to lift his head for weeks now – who is already strong enough and has figured out how to move his legs easily even with heavy casts.  This boy who loves to have his hands up by his face.  Who, even still, has the sweetest, most precious little cry I have ever heard.

It is hard – the challenges haven’t stopped yet and we are only just over three weeks into this journey – but I wouldn’t trade Kiran for any other baby.  Ever.  The feeding tubes, the leg casts, the pulse oximeter … it is all just part of our life with him.  And if he can have a good attitude about it – he is seriously the most easygoing little man ever – I can work to always steer my brain back to the good.

If only doesn’t do me any good, nor does it do my family any good.  I will take the worries, the challenges, the fears, because I would never trade this baby I love so much.

I do, however, need to figure out how to fit in a daily shower….