I’m not going to sugar coat this. 

Today, I feel like I’m stuck in the movie Groundhog’s Day. I feed Kiran a bottle, I pump, I change his diaper, I try to keep up on laundry (I can get it washed and dried fairly easily, but the guest bed ends up with a mountain of unfolded clothes on it), I unload and load the dishwasher (This I do keep up on daily, because 6 of the 2,387 bottles we go through every day can go in my handy dandy bottle dishwasher thing)…I feed Kiran a bottle….the cycle continues. 

I don’t fold clothes neatly anymore. I don’t even organize my clothes when I put them away. They just all get shoved in a single pile on a shelf in my closet. I have no idea what even fits me or what clothes I even own. I tend to wear exercise/pajama pants and zip up hoodies, and that’s about it. 

I put away wet dishes. If the dishwasher is clean but not quite yet dry…I don’t have time for that. A piece of me dies every time I put a bowl with water droplets in it in the cupboard, but something has to give. 

I jumped at the opportunity to have Arif finish a bottle with Kiran so I could take the dog out for a walk this afternoon. It broke up the monotony and reminded me I am more than just a mom/housewife. 

Not that I’m not living the dream. I am. Truly. It’s not even tongue in cheek. It’s just that the day-to-day reality of this lifelong held dream of mine is really difficult at the moment. It’s worth it too – every time Kiran grasps my finger tightly in his little hand or lifts his head up to reveal his scrunchy old man face…he really does make up for peeing in the middle of every single diaper change today. 

I knew it would be hard, and I know our situation has several more challenges involved, but it is really true that nothing prepares you for this. I don’t know how working moms do it all – I don’t know how single parents do it all – I don’t know how people with no family nearby do it all – I am in awe of every single mom who has ever survived the newborn stage with her sanity somewhat intact. 

And I am thankful I have a husband who senses when my sanity is slipping and encourages me to take a shower and take some time to pump (and write – I’m multitasking)…and I am thankful I have parents who check in daily to see if we need help. I am thankful for Help-a-Heart and all the amazing heart moms tackling their own busy lives that have taken the time to reach out and encourage me. And I am thankful for every one of you who takes the time to read my thoughts, because this blog is another thing that keeps my separate self intact.