I have always wanted to be a mom. Ever since I can remember, starting at a very young age, it was a dream of mine. I never had a sense of anything else I wanted to be, but I knew, in my heart of hearts, that I wanted to be a mom.
Looking back, with 20/20 hindsight, I think my overwhelming desire to be a mom rushed me into relationships – marriages – that I should not have rushed into.
If you ever find yourself about to walk down the aisle on your wedding day, and your father (or mother, close friend, someone you love and trust) says to you “It’s not too late to make a run for it” or something along those lines…AND YOU HESITATE…do yourself a favor, and do not walk down that aisle. I promise it doesn’t matter how much money/time/energy you put into the wedding. It doesn’t matter what anybody in attendance thinks. It doesn’t even matter, though not the case with me, if you just aren’t ready for the commitment and decide to marry the exact same person a few years down the line. If there is even a slight bit of hesitation, don’t do it. Make a run for it. I find myself daydreaming about how much fun that day would have been, Dad and I running through Living History Farms (my dream wedding – my first – was at that cute chapel there) and escaping to have a drink in some dark bar while still all decked out in bridal attire.
I don’t regret the choices I’ve made, but I look back and see things so much more clearly now.
Going into the marriage that gave me my greatest gift in life – Kiran – I was really intentional. I really thought I was getting it right this time. Never having imagined I’d be a divorcee anyway (If you can believe it, I *still*, as a person who is twice-divorced, strongly and passionately believe that marriage is for life), I certainly didn’t go into a second marriage haphazardly. And I gave it too much of me. I wanted so badly to make it work, and although many still do not know all that went on behind closed doors (and it will remain that way, out of respect), I will say this: I stayed for as long as I could. I stayed until I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was no longer healthy for me and I could no longer be the mom Kiran deserved if I stayed.
I share all this in my disjointed, haphazard way, because I have been thinking about something this week. I have been thinking about how much changed when I became a mom. Having Kiran both fulfilled my lifelong dream and completely threw me into something I could have never imagined. Being his mom is simply not the motherhood I envisioned my whole life. This isn’t good or bad – it’s just true. And in some ways – something I am also really breaking apart and thinking about – having Kiran put me in a place in life where I no longer felt rushed to be inside a marriage or partnership with another person.
I wish this wasn’t the case, and I encourage anyone reading this who has time to take the time, but I think I rushed into these commitments so quickly and missed important things about the other person because I wanted to be a mom.
And now I am, and it’s really hard, and that’s a whole other series of blogs…and this is some of the most discombobulated writing I’ve ever done….
But now I find myself in the most real partnership I’ve ever had. Eric is not someone who loves one facet or version of me. We have loved each other through some of the most amazing times life has had to offer…and some of the most difficult. He has truly seen me at my best and at my worst. There is a level of commitment in our relationship that I have never experienced before. In some ways, I tell myself and others, it’s why I don’t feel the rush to get married.
But if I’m being truthful, it may be that I am terrified to get married. Marriage hasn’t exactly worked out for me in the past.
And this is working. We are far – far – from perfect. But we are committed to each other and to Kiran.
I’m just thankful. There will be more on this, because I have really been reflecting lately due to where things are in my life right now. And I’m no longer filled with shame for the past that I’ve lived, especially if the lessons I’ve painfully learned can help someone else.