18 years ago today, my life changed.

I feel like I don’t have anything new to say about my journey with grief.  When the years keep passing, the journey doesn’t necessarily change much.  I wouldn’t call grief a constant companion – days do pass that I don’t think about Aaron at all – but it is something that has altered me permanently.

And it still hits you out of nowhere sometimes.

And still, every year around this time – and on this day – my body knows, even when my brain isn’t consciously thinking about it.  I become more emotional, more anxious, just more.  And then it dawns on me why.  Every.  Year.

Last year was my favorite November 7th.  Last year, I had the freedom and ability to really spend the entire day remembering Aaron.  I needed it.  This year, today, we travel to Iowa City for an eye appointment for Kiran.

But, thanks to an old friend who I caught up with earlier this week, I have been reminded to be kind to myself today.  And I am deciding to do that.  School can wait for tomorrow.  I can find the pockets of time in the day to just enjoy Kiran and be with my family – Dad is making the trip with us.

Life has to keep moving, but today also has to be acknowledged.  It’s never a perfect process (well, last year was pretty perfect), but it’s important to me to take the time.

I do miss Aaron.  I have become an expert at missing him.  I have missed him for an entire year more than I got to not miss him.  I have had to live my entire adult life without my brother.  It still sucks, no matter how many years pass.