18 years ago today, my life changed.
I feel like I don’t have anything new to say about my journey with grief. When the years keep passing, the journey doesn’t necessarily change much. I wouldn’t call grief a constant companion – days do pass that I don’t think about Aaron at all – but it is something that has altered me permanently.
And it still hits you out of nowhere sometimes.
And still, every year around this time – and on this day – my body knows, even when my brain isn’t consciously thinking about it. I become more emotional, more anxious, just more. And then it dawns on me why. Every. Year.
Last year was my favorite November 7th. Last year, I had the freedom and ability to really spend the entire day remembering Aaron. I needed it. This year, today, we travel to Iowa City for an eye appointment for Kiran.
But, thanks to an old friend who I caught up with earlier this week, I have been reminded to be kind to myself today. And I am deciding to do that. School can wait for tomorrow. I can find the pockets of time in the day to just enjoy Kiran and be with my family – Dad is making the trip with us.
Life has to keep moving, but today also has to be acknowledged. It’s never a perfect process (well, last year was pretty perfect), but it’s important to me to take the time.
I do miss Aaron. I have become an expert at missing him. I have missed him for an entire year more than I got to not miss him. I have had to live my entire adult life without my brother. It still sucks, no matter how many years pass.