Motherhood, Balance, Darkness

There have been several topics I have wanted to write about through the course of today.  Some, I will eventually write about.  Others, I intentionally do not put out into the world.  The most important one, at this moment?

I want to be a mom.

I have been in a hard-to-describe place in the last couple of months.  It has been what I have deemed “the darkness” at times, it has certainly been exhaustion, it has been grief.

It has been questioning.

I struggle, often, with balance.  And the big, over-arching question I have been asking myself these past two months is this: How do I balance facilitating Kiran’s growth and improvement while ALSO accepting him and enjoying him for who he is, right now?  And at what point do I stop pushing and pushing and pushing so hard and just BE with my son?

I want to be a mom.

I am so many things for Kiran.  I am his caretaker, his mobility, his nourishment, his therapist, his nurse, his chauffeur, his teacher.  Days go by where I am either fulfilling all of these roles or I am feeling guilty because I have missed one or several.

I want to be a mom.

I think I am approaching a point, now, where the balance needs to tip in the other direction.  Boundaries need to be placed.  I don’t want to spend the majority of my time working on this goal or that goal while also finding the time to do all the basic daily care tasks Kiran requires.

I. Want. To. Be. His. MOM.

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