Anxiety Replay

It has been a great weekend.  Really outstanding.  Busy.  A time with family and friendamily…a time to reflect and remember the real Reason life is worth the living.

I posted on facebook – without apology – many, many pictures and a couple videos of our Easter fun.  I am not very good at taking photos, and it is a way I can catalogue and remember our time.  I want all the photos of us, of Kiran, at three and a half (which he is, today…..)

My brain, though.  I think perhaps due to exhaustion and the start of an illness (or allergies, I can’t tell and have never had them before), I am experiencing more anxiety replay than normal.

At the park yesterday, my aunt wanted to take Kiran down the slide.  And I have watched a video or read an article at some point about how little kids can end up breaking their legs if they go down slides on adults’ laps.  And that kind of stuff sticks with me.  Thankfully, I come by my anxiety honestly, and my mom was all over instructing my aunt to get his legs safe…I didn’t have to be the crazy mama.

But in order to carry Kiran up to my aunt, I walked up these crazy narrow stairs with a handrail on only one side – why I didn’t think to walk around and find the safer stairs, I don’t know.  I sometimes feel pressure to give Kiran experiences before I get my bearings in a situation, and it’s something I am actively working on – believing I can (and should) take the time to assess more carefully and not feel pressured from others.

Anyway, anxiety replay number one.  I keep thinking about carrying him up those stairs.  I keep thinking “What if I had dropped him?” or “What if I had slipped?”  My brain actively visualizes these instances, and my heart rate increases.

And then – Eric did take him down the slide.  I am starting to get better at trusting Eric and letting go a bit when it comes to Kiran (Believe me, this is hard for me with ANYONE).  He has shown me a million times he is thoughtful and has Kiran’s best interests at heart.  But I was nervous about this.  And halfway down, I saw Kiran’s foot catch – and I was immediately up in their faces, my heart in my throat.  I thought for sure Kiran was going to break his leg.

Eric had him.  He stopped when his foot caught, and he had him.  But man, my anxiety was through the roof when that happened.  And then, due to some PTSD from a former relationship (which I am realizing is actually legitimate), my anxiety was even higher, as I repeatedly apologized for reacting the way I had.

But again, I keep replaying it.

It was actually so bad when we got home yesterday, as I was driving Kiran and me home from Eric’s, that it was all I could do to get home and just hug Kiran.  It helped to physically hold him and tell my overactive anxious brain that he was okay.

I don’t experience this often, but I share it because it is a part of our journey as well.  Not only are there real forces of anxiety at work in our life – legitimate concerns that bring about the worst fears imaginable – but I am also just an overly anxious person.

I didn’t always imagine worst-case scenarios or replay horrible what-ifs over and over again…and it doesn’t happen often.  But it does happen, sometimes.




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