2018

I have never been a big New Year’s person.  I do always reflect, but I find myself doing that periodically throughout the year as well.  Every day is a new day, after all.  Every moment, we have the choice to do something different than the moment before.

But I have to say, I am glad to leave 2018 behind.  It was a hard year.  Last year, at this time, I was feeling a lot of dread going into 2018 – March held a really difficult and emotional divorce proceeding in court – May held Kiran’s MRI and results – Everything felt so huge and scary and insurmountable.

But guess what?  I survived.  All of it.  And not everything went exactly as I had hoped or would have liked – but ultimately, Kiran and I are still here.  Kiran’s dad is still here.  Our family, both blood and friendamily, still here.

I feel like I should get a shirt that says: I survived 2018.

I don’t have dread going into 2019.  I don’t have near the fears and uncertainties.  All the way around, things are relatively stable.  There aren’t big tests or diagnoses I fear for Kiran – I am anxiously awaiting genetic results, but other than that, nothing huge is medically on the horizon for him.  I don’t live in denial that this could change at any moment, but I just don’t hold that anxiety going into 2019.

Honestly, 2019 will hopefully be a year that holds a lot of room for me.  I am learning, every day, every moment, how to better take care of myself and how that actually DOES (for real!) result in being a better mom for Kiran.  I do have some anxiety and fear around some steps forward I will be taking this next year, but it is just nothing like what I felt like a year ago.

I am thankful for the peace.  I am thankful for the lack of unease in my soul.  I am ready to leave the negative of 2018 where it belongs, and I am ready to bring forward the positive of 2018 into 2019 with me.

I am thankful to be spending the last day of 2018 with Kiran and ringing in the first day of 2019 with him as well (though he will be asleep – I’m sure I’ll sneak in for a new year’s kiss).

We survived 2018.  Makes me think we can survive anything.

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