My thoughts aren’t always pretty.  At times, I am made to feel badly about that.  By myself.  By others.  But every time that happens, I feel the need to stand up – for myself, for everyone else who has ever had an ugly thought.  A real, dark, nasty thought.

So this morning, you get my ugly.  Because if any of you have taught me anything, it is that you appreciate my transparency.

Here’s some pretty first: I appreciate all of the encouragements.  All of the attempts people make to reach out in love, to support.  And most of the time, I am in a place where I can take them in with grace.

Not today.  Today, I am angry.  Today, I am upset.  Today, I don’t want to be an inspiration or a mother you look up to.  I don’t want to.

You know what I want?

I want to be just another mom.  I want to have a normal life.  I want to run around and play tag at the park with my 2 1/2 year old son.  I want to ask him what he wants to eat for lunch.  I want him to throw temper tantrums.

I want to be just like you.  I don’t want to be someone you admire.

The truth is: This all SUCKS.  And right now, I just need permission – I am taking permission even if no one wants to give it to me – for it to suck.  I get to be angry.  I get to be upset.  I get to not always have to be gracious and positive and make everyone else feel better about my reality.

Don’t let this deter you from reaching out.  I need every word.  In an hour – a day – a week – I don’t know when, I will go back and reread the encouragements, and they will sink in.  They will get to my heart the way they were intended, and I will love you all for your words.

But today, I am just in the darkness.  Sometimes I have to sit here a minute.