I have been thinking about this little girl a lot since Kiran and I ran into her at the park yesterday. She was probably right around his age, though she was running around, asking her mom to help her on the big girl swing, climbing stairs, going down the slide…you know, being two.
First of all, like most social scenarios where a lot of kids are present, it struck me. I always get emotional when I see kids around Kiran’s age, doing all the things I anticipated my own two year old would be doing. That piece of grief never completely dissipates, no matter how much I have accepted the reality of our journey. Also, I always feel like I have to say (mama guilt at its finest) I LOVE KIRAN and wouldn’t change him for anything. I wouldn’t want any other child. No way, no how. But that doesn’t change how it hits me, seeing other kids his age – sometimes, I’m fine; sometimes, I want to cry.
Yesterday was interesting, though. This little girl was interested in Kiran. When we were going down the slide, she kept wanting a turn right after – even though it was one of those double slides, and she could have easily gone down the other side. She kept doing that impatient two year old thing, standing at the top of the slide and yelling “ExCUSE ME!!!” (to which, yes, her mom apologized, and told her to go down the other side)…and when we were practicing standing, she came over and stood, just looking at Kiran. I tried to get Kiran to wave and say hi to his friend … otherwise, I just let them size each other up. I could see the little wheels in her head turning.
Kids are really smart. I honestly feel she knew Kiran was about her age, and she knew that he was different. She was trying to figure it all out. In that instance, I realized how clueless I am when it comes to navigating this new part of our journey. I guess I will learn as I go, because I am sure we will find ourselves in more and more situations like this one.
There will never be an end to my learning and growing, being Kiran’s mama.