When I’m Wrong

Being a perfectionist who struggles with anxiety has never been easy.  Having a special needs child and insisting on doing things outside status quo (specifically, not feeding him formula but real food through his g-tube) adds a next-level challenge to an already hard aspect of my life.

Kiran’s daily fluid intake needs is something I have researched on my own multiple times.  I have taken into account his weight, his estimated daily calories, the fact he is fed through his g-tube, the desire to increase his volume handling capabilities with his blends….

Many people have asked about number of wet diapers, which has never been a concern.  The kid pees a LOT.  (I realized why today; I am getting to that)  You always hear and read about the dangers of DEhydration when it comes to your tubie, but nobody has ever asked or expressed any concern for OVERhydration.

Kiran had a rough night last night.  I have no idea why; this has nothing to do with this post.  But it DOES have to do with the fact that I was wide awake at 4:30 this morning, on my phone, browsing facebook.  I came across a post about daily fluid intake on my most followed blended diet group, and it made me tune in and think differently about how I am calculating Kiran’s free water needs.

And I’ve really screwed up.  And I spent most of the first three hours of my morning crying and unable to stop beating myself up.  Even my mom has questioned before how much water I give this poor child (and I went and did even MORE research after she did so, even though I had already researched it so many times before.  And even THEN, I didn’t see it from the perspective I saw it early this morning.)

I have been overhydrating Kiran by about a cup and a half (12 oz) of water every day for the last several months.  While my fears of any serious medical concerns have largely been assuaged since my initial panic moments this morning through research and knowledgeable opinions from trustworthy people, (Don’t worry, I am waiting on a call back from the nurse at our pediatrician’s office; I still have enough worry.) I am still seriously upset with myself.  Because – though this may not be the answer – backing off on free water will likely help with his feelings of hunger, acid reflux, and pooping issues.  I have been thinking about hydration all wrong this entire time.  More isn’t always better.

Honestly, I’m embarrassed and mortified that I could have gotten it so wrong.  A cup and a half is a lot for a little turkey!  I am only putting it out there because I don’t know how else to process these feelings of complete and utter failure.  I am constantly researching and reading and trying to find better answers, better ways, the BEST of everything I can do to help Kiran thrive and move forward….

I try so so so hard, all the time.  To be the best mom I can possibly be for this amazing little boy.  And I don’t know how I got it so wrong, especially since this is literally the piece I have researched and thought about and calculated the most.

You know.  Being a mom.  Whew.  It feels like this: For about ten seconds every month, you feel like “Okay, I’m doing alright.  Maybe I can handle this motherhood thing.”….The rest of the time, you just feel like you are not enough, you are a big fat failure, and you must certainly be royally screwing your child up despite your absolute best efforts.

At least that’s been my experience.



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