Reality

I am going to keep it real. 

I have struggled a lot – especially in the first ten months of Kiran’s life – with one question. Who am I, if I am not Kiran’s mom?

This was a question I asked, with the knowledge I could lose him. I still could. No one knows what the future holds. This is true of a healthy child, but it is more in-your-face when your child has a serious medical issue. 

But tonight, I struggle with the same question from a different perspective.  I have held this so close to me for so long, and I am weary. I’m done. 

Kiran’s dad and I are in the middle of a divorce. 

Kiran and I moved in with my parents about a month ago. And on the nights and weekends his dad has Kiran with him (though so important, and I love watching the relationship the two are developing)… I. Feel. Lost. 

From the moment I conceived him, it was over for me. Right or wrong, he became the most important thing in my life. I needed to care for him and nurture him. Especially after we got the diagnosis … He. Is. My. World. 

So when I find myself without him, I am a little lost. It’s all still very new. I don’t like it. 

It’s important. 

This is a blog about Kiran and about my feelings around raising him, so all I will say is this: It is incredibly sad we are here, but we are trying our best to move forward with Kiran’s best interests in mind. We are trying hard to be an (unconventional) family. 

But I still ask, as I am sitting at my cousin’s wedding reception, alone, wishing Kiran was here….

Who am I, when he’s not here?  Who am I, when I am not fully engaged in being his mom…his nurse, his caregiver, his chauffeur, his therapist….?

I definitely feel lost. 

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