A picture of Jalebi (as we called him in the womb) popped up on my facebook memories this morning.  His 20 week anatomy ultrasound photo op.  I get emotional seeing it.  I sometimes wonder if this grieving process will ever be over.  It is unlike any grief I have ever experienced, because he is still here.  And he is such a joy!

But I still grieve the baby in that ultrasound photo.  That moment.  When all we knew was we were having a baby boy.  We assumed he would be healthy.  We assumed by now, at 19 months old, he would be walking and talking and driving us crazy in all the best ways.

It is such a complicated bundle of thoughts and feelings to hold inside oneself at one time.  My brain constantly barrages my heart, telling it all the reasons why I shouldn’t feel sad, all the reasons we have to celebrate.  And my brain is absolutely right.  But my heart…my heart still aches sometimes.  It still hurts to see others Kiran’s age doing “normal” toddler things, when we are still working on getting that stubborn little turkey to sit up for long periods of time.

I flip-flop between feeling guilty for grieving the child I always thought I would have and trying to give myself permission to grieve.  And I just wonder if it will ever be over, or if, like grieving the death of someone, it will simply be a lifelong journey.