It seems we always want time to bend according to our wishes. At times, we hope the clock will move forward. We are stuck in a boring meeting, we are excited for the weekend’s activities, we look forward to a certain season. And at other times, we beg the clock’s hands to tick more slowly. We are on vacation, we are reveling a moment with family, we are anticipating a day we do not want to come.
When we were discharged after Kiran’s cath on Friday, I was looking forward to the days ahead. It seemed so much time existed in which to enjoy him. It’s not over. But today, driving back from the ocean, enjoying his backseat chatter, I realized: Tomorrow is it. We have tomorrow. And then, the next day … Well, the next day, we find ourselves living inside a day that will mark a Before and an After. No matter the outcome of the surgery on Wednesday, it will be a bookmark in the story of our lives.
And I am just not ready. I know a time doesn’t exist in which I could ever possibly be ready, but I find myself wanting to plead with the clock. Slow. Down. I want more of this chapter. I’m not sure I can handle the one that comes next.