Sometimes, my brain mixed with a long, solitary walk (with Kiran sleeping in the stroller)…is not a good combination. The what ifs start to roll in. I am sure I don’t even have to write them out. Does anyone actually have their brain go to positive what ifs? I wish, when left to its wandering, my brain would think things like “What if Kiran rocks his recovery, and we are on a plane home in three weeks?” “What if he starts taking all of his food by mouth?” “What if he catches up quickly on his development?”
But no. Instead, I start thinking about all that could go wrong. I think about having to face my worst fears. I think about the fact there are many situations I haven’t even considered that may be even worse than my worst fears. I think about what it might feel like to have to say goodbye.
So then, when I realize he has woken up, we sit together on a park bench. We take mother-son selfies, listen to his special songs, talk, smile, and give lots and lots of kisses.