Sometimes, my brain mixed with a long, solitary walk (with Kiran sleeping in the stroller)…is not a good combination.  The what ifs start to roll in.  I am sure I don’t even have to write them out.  Does anyone actually have their brain go to positive what ifs?  I wish, when left to its wandering, my brain would think things like “What if Kiran rocks his recovery, and we are on a plane home in three weeks?”  “What if he starts taking all of his food by mouth?”  “What if he catches up quickly on his development?”

But no.  Instead, I start thinking about all that could go wrong.  I think about having to face my worst fears.  I think about the fact there are many situations I haven’t even considered that may be even worse than my worst fears.  I think about what it might feel like to have to say goodbye.

So then, when I realize he has woken up, we sit together on a park bench.  We take mother-son selfies, listen to his special songs, talk, smile, and give lots and lots of kisses.


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