I have found that being a mom of a medically fragile child means I will feel just about every emotion on the spectrum just about every single day.
It never fails: anytime we have a new medical device or change in our schedule, I get overwhelmed. It takes me awhile to find my footing and gain confidence. It is why, while we were in the hospital, I jumped right in to start feeding with the g tube. I jumped right in and had the nurse talk me through cleaning the site and changing the dressing.
Still, coming home from the hospital to the milk gone bad in the fridge, the mail piled up on the counter, the hospital stay laundry, the mountain of new medical papers to add to the mountain I will organize “someday”….It overwhelms me, especially as I am trying to get Kiran back on some semblance of a normal feeding schedule and figure out the nuances of this new feeding apparatus.
But. In the midst of it all, I was so thankful today. We have been blessed with Kiran’s presence for seven months now! (Um, where did that last month go!?!!) And we got to celebrate his life at home. We had some fussiness today and one small vomit after a tube feeding, but it was really a beautiful day spent together as a family.
And – he officially weighs just over 15 lbs now!!! My big, handsome man. Not to mention, we now get to see both cheeks at once – no more tube in his nose; no more tape on his face!
Still (jumping all over the place; it gives you a taste of my “just about every emotion” concept) – At one point today, I found myself trying to console him on his bedroom floor, tears in my own eyes, telling him I wish he could be healthy. I wish he had a strong heart and could eat by mouth. I wish we didn’t have to figure out how to keep him comfortable with tube feeds.
But then, I also found myself telling him that’s life, and life is going to be tough. I told him his mommy and daddy will be with him every step of the way – and that if I could, I’d take it all on for him – but, unfortunately, he is going to have to do most of the hard stuff.
In other words, he gained some wisdom today. It comes with age.