Control and Perspective

On Friday morning last week, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  At first, I was very surprised, and I didn’t really understand how it could be happening.  I eat fairly well most of the time (Yes, I indulge in dessert maybe a little more than normal since being pregnant, but I also eat lots of veggies and real foods and avoid processed for the most part.)  I was walking when I could (It was sporadic with the move and everything else going on, but it was happening – and with a dog, it was at least happening every evening.)  I was surprised.  I didn’t understand that gestational diabetes has less to do with what you’re doing and more to do with how your body is handling the pregnancy and the hormones at this stage in the game.

It sucks, to have another concern thrown at me.  I definitely had some self-pity days (Serves me right, after writing that last post!)  Here I am, in one of the most stressful situations of my life, and I have had every vice taken away from me.  I already wasn’t able to indulge in a medium rare steak or some really good sushi – or have a margarita (or two) – and now, I can’t have dessert either!?!  At first, it was really hard to fathom.  I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

But – really – it hasn’t been so bad.  If it was just my health we were talking about, I am sure I wouldn’t be so strictly following the guidelines, measuring out serving sizes, refusing to choose any carb that is overly processed or sugary.  But we are not talking about just my health.  We are talking about our baby boy, who already has enough health issues on his plate.  I want to give him the best possible chance I can give him, and this issue…Well, this I can control.  I can’t control his heart stuff, but I can control this.  And I am finding my personality (I love control) is thriving with this.  It gives me something to focus my attention on; it is something I can DO for our little Jalebi.  It is actually bringing me some peace.  It really is.

And in the grand scheme of things (I will probably often relate this back to when I lost my brother, because these are the most emotional, stressful times I have had in my life.), this is a minor concern compared to the news we already got.  I am sure I would be a lot more worried about gestational diabetes if I wasn’t already worried about his heart.  Six months after burying my brother, I lost my grandmother as well.  It was overwhelming and emotional, but it had more to do with having lost my brother than it did with having to say goodbye to her.  Losing her made sense – it fit in the general order of the world – whereas losing my brother was unexpected and tragic and made no sense.  This has been on my mind, because I feel like finding out about the gestational diabetes wasn’t such a tragedy in and of itself.  I know women get this and have to deal with it, and I know that so far, I am able to control it with diet and exercise.  But in light of the more horrible news of his heart condition, it just feels that much more overwhelming and hard…and unfair.  But also – not so bad.  Not the end of the world.  Minor in comparison.

My thoughts aren’t as succinct as I would like them to be, but this is what is floating around in my mind this morning.

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