For over five years now, I experience motherhood, on a set schedule, without my son being in my home. Although he spends the majority of his time in my care and in my home, every other weekend, he is with his father in his home.

After five years, I would have thought my soul would have gotten used to this arrangement. But every time he leaves, every other Friday night, I feel untethered…and not in a good way.

I feel a sense of restlessness. A piece of me feels as though I have lost my purpose.

These are feelings I am trying to explore, because that’s a lot to put on my identity as a mom/caregiver. That’s a lot for my son to unknowingly and unwillingly carry.

I have always wanted to be a mom, ever since I was a little girl. I started babysitting as soon as someone trusted me with their child, and I continued doing so until I became a mom. I was a full-time professional nanny and partner in raising humans for nine years in my twenties, and I loved it.

Being Kiran’s mom requires a lot of extra, so it does take up my time, focus, energy.

But it can’t be all of me.