Touched Out

I haven’t been writing as much lately, and I have noticed with social media in general, I have been sugar coating our journey. Reasons exist for this that I won’t share, but it isn’t a place I like to be. I like to be as real as I can be about the good, the bad, the successes, the fallbacks, the light, the dark – and I just don’t feel like I can provide that at the moment, so I tend to not write. For those who enjoy our journey and my honesty about it – I’m sorry. The time will come when I feel I can again, and I look forward to it more than anyone.

Kiran has been struggling with something respiratory this week. He came home with it Monday morning, mild fever and all. No fever or sneezes since Monday, but he is still coughing a lot, stuffy, low energy…high neediness.

Kiran has never been someone who has required a lot in the way of physical touch. I mean – he LOVES his hugs now (and so does anyone getting them!) but as an infant, he honestly didn’t even want to be touched if he was upset. He wanted to throw his tantrum and just be left to do it. He does seek out comfort by way of physical touch more now that he’s older, but I don’t feel he’s very needy in this area.

Except when he’s not feeling well. And I have noticed it even more so this illness. He’s been pretty uncomfortable, and he really hates the coughing fits. He makes small little vocalizations that about break my heart, and even if I just leave for a few moments to use the restroom, he inevitably has a coughing fit and cries out for me. He has wanted someone with him, close, and he’s been insistent with the hugs/snuggles, not letting go.

Honestly, at this point, I am touched out. I’m overwhelmed. Thankfully, he is feeling quite a bit better today and is playing – and I’m washing germs out of all our sheets and blankets and resetting a few things. But it’s been a hard week. I’m behind where I should be with my class, one of the harder classes I’ve taken made even harder because it’s compressed into half the time.

The worry also takes it out of a person. We did consult his pediatrician on Tuesday and determined there was no reason to give him a Covid test at this point – we are simply cancelling all activities, following health guidelines, etc. With the fever going away after one day (and never being above 100.7) and no issues with breathing (which I have been watching like a hawk), it didn’t seem necessary. With his history of pneumonia, I have been watching and waiting for any downhill indications – fever returning or breathing becoming more labored – and for that reason, he has spent all week sleeping in his travel bed on the floor right next to our bed. I am hopeful tonight will be his first night back in his room since his wake-ups from coughing last night were minimal.

Self-care for me today is a shower and this blog – just writing to get it out there. I’m tired. It’s been a week.

I am thankful he’s managed this illness like a champ, and we could rest and recover at home. I am thankful I was able to slow down and provide comfort when he needed it this week. I am thankful I have learned to not completely overwhelm myself and let some things go for now – I will have to work my buns off, but I will catch up with school. This, too, shall pass. And it will be okay. Kiran can do hard things, and I can, too. As always, we journey together, and I am so beyond thankful for that.


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