I have too many balls in the air at the moment.  I feel like they are flying all over the room, and I am running as fast as I can to get to each one before it slams into the ground.

I can’t juggle.

I am doing my best, but my anxiety might win this week.  I am finding small moments and small ways to practice self-care to try to mitigate the chaos, but the truth is: There is just a lot, this week.

Tomorrow, we head to Iowa City in the morning.  As of this morning, it just became a three-appointment day.  We will do a vascular test first, followed by an echo, followed by an appointment with Kiran’s cardiologist.

I both want answers and am praying desperately there are none to be found with his heart.

And unrelated to Kiran, other than my anxieties will be shifting back and forth between two of my favorite boys this week, Eric has surgery on his broken ankle on Thursday.  He slipped on the ice and broke it two weeks ago.

The funny thing about life is Tuesday morning two weeks ago, the morning after his late night ice fall, I was feeling very rundown.  Caregiver fatigue is a thing – burnout too – and for whatever reason, I was just seriously experiencing it this month.  And then I got the text from Eric that he needed to go to the ER because his ankle was feeling more serious than a sprain.  And my caregiver duties multiplied.

I’d like to say I’m handling it all with grace and Wonder Woman like strength.  The truth is – it’s been a bit of a shitshow these last couple of weeks.  I have not been my best self many times, mainly navigating with Eric this new territory where he needs help (and HATES that and doesn’t want to ask for it) and me wishing I could help more but understanding (finally) my limits.  I travel between our homes frequently as it is, but it’s been hard, wishing I could somehow split myself into two people and be everything for both of them.

Thankfully, his daughters, their boyfriends, and his parents are all stepping up too and helping.  It’s a family affair.  But it’s still been hard on him – on me –  on us.

And it’s hard to have concerns with Kiran’s health in the midst of this new territory we are navigating.  Kiran has been stable for so long – I had grown quite comfortable with the only stressors being his daily care needs and therapy progression.

School starts back up in one week.  January was supposed to be my month to relax.  I had a list of things Kiran-related that I wanted to catch up on – some have been pushed to the wayside but most have been or are getting accomplished.  But I also had plans to treat myself to some things – a pedicure, a massage – and to have a day or two where I could just do whatever I wanted.  Those days haven’t happened – those treats feel hard to fit in.  I’m not ready to jump back into school stress – that all feels way too huge with everything that is happening.

But next week will be different.  This week shall pass, and hopefully, next week will feel more manageable.

Maybe some balls will fall.  I’ve survived it before.



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