I was struggling this weekend. Kiran seemed to be doing so much better on Friday, but then he had a restless night at his dad’s and didn’t sleep well, and he just still seemed “off” to both of us. He had a bowel movement that made me feel like his tummy was maybe bothering him – about midday Saturday – so I did what I always do:
I took everything I know about Kiran and all the clues I had in front of me, and I made the best guess I could as to how he might be feeling and what I should do about it.
It wears on me. To be always guessing, hoping that I hit the mark or close to it. I wish he could tell me how he’s feeling. I wish I didn’t have to play detective.
I just forced myself – just now – to finish the registration paperwork for preschool and fill out all the take-home papers that have been sent out so far this year…to the best of my ability. I left a lot of things blank. Not on the registration paperwork – I can give medical history and fill out contact information – but the take-home preschool sheets.
I don’t know what Kiran’s favorite color is. I don’t know what he wants to be when he grows up. I don’t know his favorite kind of music or his favorite clothes. And more importantly, I don’t want to guess.
Not even that. I don’t want to force my opinions onto his being. Yes, I’m probably overreacting. I don’t care. I plan on bringing it up at the meeting we have on Wednesday with his teachers. Kiran gets to keep his blank spaces, until he decides and communicates his own preferences.
I am struggling so much with this today – It is actually not as often as you might think that I cry while I blog – but it is so hard that Kiran’s ability to communicate is so basic.
Don’t get me wrong – I am beyond thankful he communicates as much as he does. His body language, his facial expressions, his vocalizations – he is VERY good at communicating emotions! I know when he’s frustrated or overstimulated or happy or angry or excited or hurting. I don’t always know why. I can’t always differentiate between hurting or scared – or overstimulated or excited – but he’s pretty good at giving me a ballpark emotion. I know not all non-verbal kids express themselves as well as – or as frequently as – Kiran does!
But I wish he could tell me that his tummy hurts or he’s just tired – that he’s hungry or doesn’t feel like eating much – that his favorite color is green today but it was purple yesterday – that he wants to be an astronaut or a rockstar when he grows up –
I’m gonna fight to keep those blank spaces, so they are there when and if he wants to fill them in.