I was struggling this weekend.  Kiran seemed to be doing so much better on Friday, but then he had a restless night at his dad’s and didn’t sleep well, and he just still seemed “off” to both of us.  He had a bowel movement that made me feel like his tummy was maybe bothering him – about midday Saturday – so I did what I always do:

I took everything I know about Kiran and all the clues I had in front of me, and I made the best guess I could as to how he might be feeling and what I should do about it.

It wears on me.  To be always guessing, hoping that I hit the mark or close to it.  I wish he could tell me how he’s feeling.  I wish I didn’t have to play detective.

I just forced myself – just now – to finish the registration paperwork for preschool and fill out all the take-home papers that have been sent out so far this year…to the best of my ability.  I left a lot of things blank.  Not on the registration paperwork – I can give medical history and fill out contact information – but the take-home preschool sheets.

I don’t know what Kiran’s favorite color is.  I don’t know what he wants to be when he grows up.  I don’t know his favorite kind of music or his favorite clothes.  And more importantly, I don’t want to guess.

Not even that.  I don’t want to force my opinions onto his being.  Yes, I’m probably overreacting.  I don’t care.  I plan on bringing it up at the meeting we have on Wednesday with his teachers.  Kiran gets to keep his blank spaces, until he decides and communicates his own preferences.

I am struggling so much with this today – It is actually not as often as you might think that I cry while I blog – but it is so hard that Kiran’s ability to communicate is so basic.

Don’t get me wrong – I am beyond thankful he communicates as much as he does.  His body language, his facial expressions, his vocalizations – he is VERY good at communicating emotions!  I know when he’s frustrated or overstimulated or happy or angry or excited or hurting.  I don’t always know why.  I can’t always differentiate between hurting or scared – or overstimulated or excited – but he’s pretty good at giving me a ballpark emotion.  I know not all non-verbal kids express themselves as well as – or as frequently as – Kiran does!

But I wish he could tell me that his tummy hurts or he’s just tired – that he’s hungry or doesn’t feel like eating much – that his favorite color is green today but it was purple yesterday – that he wants to be an astronaut or a rockstar when he grows up –

I’m gonna fight to keep those blank spaces, so they are there when and if he wants to fill them in.