Letting Go

A thing happened today that has never happened before.

For the first time since Kiran has come into my life, while I have been physically with him, I let go.

Usually, when I am with Kiran and someone else wants to get their hands on him, I am never able to fully let go of the responsibility.  I am hyper-aware of his location at all times.  I am aware of the hair-grabbing, the slobber running down his chin, the loud noises he makes.  I feel like I still need to be in charge.  I feel like I have to run interference.  I feel like I have to be responsible for every action.

Now that I think about it – I feel that I have to be sure the person holding him is okay.  Is comfortable with him.

I attend church pretty regularly with my people, and even during the service when Kiran is passed from lap to lap, I have never been able to fully let go.  I am always shushing him, aware of when he has someone’s hair in his slobbery hand, asking if they want me to take him.

He is my responsibility.  He is mine.  I am the mom.

Today, I was able to let go.  I handed Kiran off, and I was able to relax into my seat and engage with the sermon.  I was conscious of it happening.  I literally said to myself “It’s okay.  He has him.  Kiran does not have to be your responsibility every second.”

And I knew it was true.  Kiran was in the lap of someone who loves him, who I trust with his care (This statement is true of so few people.)

I let go.

I am proud of myself.  This was a huge step forward in the name of self-care for me.  I am taking other important steps forward lately – some important ones this week, even.  It has taken me over two and a half years, but I am realizing the importance of also caring for me in all of this.

I am learning to accept help – even ask for it – in ways I haven’t been able to until recently.  I am learning to acknowledge the guilt I feel for taking bits of time for me – but do it anyway.  I am learning that every moment doesn’t have to be scripted and therapy-approved and working toward some ultimate developmental goal – that it is okay to just giggle and read books and blow bubbles (without all the added “have-to’s” I always throw in from therapy).

I am learning, in small but important ways, to let go.

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