I wrote about the before when I was processing Diagnosis Day.  Today, when Kiran and I were reading books in his bedroom, I found the little journal I had started writing letters in as soon as I found out I was pregnant.  It was heartbreakingly beautiful to read to him what I had written.  The before is often a time of innocence and peace.

Dear Baby,

I have been waiting my whole life for you.  Your daddy, too.  We are surprised, overwhelmed, and so full of joy, upon discovering your presence.  We have decided to call you Jalebi, for now, because you are our sweet, sweet treat.  We couldn’t be happier, and you couldn’t be more wanted.

I love you already.

Love, Your Mom!

 

Dear Jalebi,

We got to see you today on the ultrasound.  The tiny flicker of your heartbeat stopped my breath.  You are so beautiful to me and your dad.  So precious.  We think about you all the time – Me, especially, because you’ve been making me feel so ill lately!

But it’s worth it all.  We can’t wait for this entire adventure to unfold.  Every new step will be treasured.

So much joy and love,

Mom

 

May 22, 2015

Dearest Jalebi,

We found out several weeks ago that you are a little boy!  We are looking forward to meeting you!  I can’t wait to see what you look like and who you become.

Some days now, it is so unreal.  I have been feeling more normal, and I am not showing a lot yet.  But I know you are in there, growing away.

I love you, more than words.

Love, Mom!

 

After Diagnosis Day, I stopped writing letters and started writing about our journey in this blog.  I’d like to think the entire thing is my love letter to Kiran.  I hope someday he can read his mother’s thoughts, fears, joys, heartaches…and just know how loved and cherished he is.  From the before – from the very moment we knew he existed – through the after and beyond.