It’s what I’ve always wanted to be. Since I can remember, the only thing I could say with absolute certainty that I wanted in this life was to be a mother. And this year, I get to celebrate having the most amazing little boy in my life.
Motherhood is not what I expected. That is the understatement of the century. I could have never predicted my life looking like it looks. I would have never thought our days would be filled with medical appointments and therapy sessions. I would have never guessed I’d be excited to learn he’s reached half of his four month milestones at six months of age. I never would have imagined I’d be planning hospital stays – never thought I’d become an expert at what to pack for these stays. I never thought our normal would be to have our baby hooked up to a machine every night, wearing a brace on his feet every night, having a feeding tube constantly taped to his face.
It is not what I expected, but it is everything I dreamed of. The love I feel for Kiran is beyond any kind of love I have ever felt before. If I could take on his challenges for him – if I could somehow take all of his pain upon myself – I wouldn’t even need a second to decide to do it. I would jump in front of a bullet for him. I would give up every comfort of this life if I could just make him healthy.
So – yes – motherhood is hard. Being a mother to a medically fragile, special needs child is extremely hard. I never sugar coat this fact, and I never will. But I will also never forget – I will always come back to – it all being worth it. Kiran is worth all the hard in the world. I am so amazed by him every single day. It takes so much effort for him to simply stay alive – to breathe, for his heart to beat – but he still manages to smile and laugh and talk to us. He still tries to do all the things his mean mommy makes him practice, like tummy time and sitting. He is just a strong little man.
I am just so darn lucky I get to be his mom. I am thankful.