Ask anyone. I have never been good at balance. Once I’m in, I’m all in. Once I make up my mind, there’s no going back. I don’t do anything halfway.
This also means I have a tendency to lose myself in things. Currently, I continue to struggle with losing myself inside the identity of mom. Being a mom is so many things, and Kiran’s needs are great, so I often feel I have no time or energy left apart from this piece of my life. He is my life.
These last few weeks have been a deep, dark struggle for me. There have been so many moments when I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel lost.
If I’m raw and honest with myself, there have been many moments when I have just wanted to run away from it all.
I would never.
But the fact I am feeling that way is making me realize some things need to change. It is no longer a want – to take time away for myself – it is a necessity. I cannot be whole without it. I cannot be a good mom to Kiran without it. I have to make time, regularly, for myself.
I have to continue to get comfortable with reaching out to my support system when I need help or encouragement. (I need help and encouragement most days.) I need to continue to nurture and grow my team, because I know I can’t do this without them.
I need to continue to find my voice and use it. Not just with medical people or asking for help, but with my husband too.
And I am starting some soul-searching. That is perhaps the scariest piece for me, but it’s far scarier to remain stagnant in the dark I’ve been in the past few weeks.